I'd say it's understandable, though. Heart break creates fear. It also opens your eyes to reality.
And I'm starting to see that marriage is not what I thought it was. It's hard. Very hard. So much harder than I could ever know. And that doesn't mean a fight every now and again, or an annoying habit, or financial difficulties, there are struggles that can go on for years that are much, much bigger.
There will be things about your spouse that will never change because either they refuse to change it, or that's just who they are. And you can hope and pray that they realize these things they're doing, but it can take years and years for them to finally realize that what they're doing is wrong, all the while you're frustrated and miserable.
Things like feeling unloved, unimportant, unappreciated, etc. don't just go away in a week. It's an ongoing battle of trust and forgiveness. Scars take time to erase. It's the little things building up that cause the deepest scars.
I want something easy for once. I don't want to commit to something knowing it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever committed to.
When you're in the beginning stages of love, you don't think about how hard the future is going to be. You don't think about the things you don't like about someone becoming something you can't live with. You don't think about the hurt feelings becoming scars and something you're going to deal with the rest of your life. You don't think that this person could be anything but perfect in every way. You naively think that things are always going to be happy, infatuated, and easy.
Sidenote: you never realize how annoying people in relationships are until you're no longer in one.
I know that nobody is perfect, and they never will be. Marriage is two people partnering together for the bettering of themselves and the world they live in. And the combined imperfections of both partners makes that partnership close to impossible.
So why go through all the heart ache, if it's still going to be hard. Once one problem is fixed there will just be another, I think to myself.
I used to think I was pretty realistic in the way I view things. But I'm realizing that I tend to ignore what i don't want to see.
I want a fairy tale happy ending, so that's what I see.
I want to believe that love comes easy, so that's what I see.
But let's face the facts: nothing comes easy. Nothing worth while, anyway. Everything that means anything takes work and perseverance.
That's the truth, but i want my happy ending.
I don't want this realistic marriage, I want a fairy tale.
This is my very immature way of looking at things. This is also my very pessimistic way of looking at things.
I've got a lot of growing up to do.
In the midst of it all, though, there's something sweet about the thought of going through all these struggles, and coming out on top over and over again. It's encouraging knowing you'll have a partner, a side kick, and a teammate, even though they'll be the one causing most of the problems.
We make mistakes to learn.
We love and we get hurt to learn.
We keep trying to learn.
And how beautiful to know that you'll be learning these things with the person you love more than anyone else in the world. How beautiful that commitment.
True love is commitment
True love never gives up.
And true love thrives off the uneasiness of it all.
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