Commitment Issues

I've recently developed a fear of committment.
I'd say it's understandable, though. Heart break creates fear. It also opens your eyes to reality. 

And I'm starting to see that marriage is not what I thought it was. It's hard. Very hard. So much harder than I could ever know. And that doesn't mean a fight every now and again, or an annoying habit, or financial difficulties, there are struggles that can go on for years that are much, much bigger. 
There will be things about your spouse that will never change because either they refuse to change it, or that's just who they are. And you can hope and pray that they realize these things they're doing, but it can take years and years for them to finally realize that what they're doing is wrong, all the while you're frustrated and miserable. 
Things like feeling unloved, unimportant, unappreciated, etc. don't just go away in a week. It's an ongoing battle of trust and forgiveness. Scars take time to erase. It's the little things building up that cause the deepest scars.

I want something easy for once. I don't want to commit to something knowing it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever committed to.

When you're in the beginning stages of love, you don't think about how hard the future is going to be. You don't think about the things you don't like about someone becoming something you can't live with. You don't think about the hurt feelings becoming scars and something you're going to deal with the rest of your life. You don't think that this person could be anything but perfect in every way. You naively think that things are always going to be happy, infatuated, and easy. 

Sidenote: you never realize how annoying people in relationships are until you're no longer in one.

I know that nobody is perfect, and they never will be. Marriage is two  people partnering together for the bettering of themselves and the world they live in. And the combined imperfections of both partners makes that partnership close to impossible. 

So why go through all the heart ache, if it's still going to be hard. Once one problem is fixed there will just be another, I think to myself. 

I used to think I was pretty realistic in the way I view things. But I'm realizing that I tend to ignore what i don't want to see. 
I want a fairy tale happy ending, so that's what I see.
I want to believe that love comes easy, so that's what I see.
But let's face the facts: nothing comes easy. Nothing worth while, anyway. Everything that means anything takes work and perseverance. 
That's the truth, but i want my happy ending.
I don't want this realistic marriage, I want a fairy tale. 



This is my very immature way of looking at things. This is also my very pessimistic way of looking at things. 

I've got a lot of growing up to do.


In the midst of it all, though, there's something sweet about the thought of going through all these struggles, and coming out on top over and over again. It's encouraging knowing you'll have a partner, a side kick, and a teammate, even though they'll be the one causing most of the problems.
We make mistakes to learn.
We love and we get hurt to learn. 
We keep trying to learn. 
And how beautiful to know that you'll be learning these things with the person you love more than anyone else in the world. How beautiful that commitment. 

True love is commitment
True love never gives up.
And true love thrives off the uneasiness of it all. 

love love love

I see what I want to see. 

I hear what I want to hear. 

This is naivety. 

I see people for who they are, but ignore all the bad parts.
Because I don't like how it feels to dislike someone.
I don't like how it feels to want to make them see their flaws as if I don't have any of my own.
I don't like thinking that people can be anything but good and pure in heart and motive. 
I choose to ignore their flaws because it's easier to love them that way.
And I love to love people.


But that's not love at all.


God's love, the ultimate love, was shown in that Christ died for us when we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). 
He knew every disgusting crevice of our wandering hearts and still chose to hang on the cross, with the weight of every person's sin that hasever and will live on his shoulders. 




Love doesn't mean-- "pretend they're perfect". Love is not dependent on perfection. True love has no bounds and true love perseveres through every fault. Love is definitely not ignoring someone's flaws because that makes them easier to love. 


Love wasn't meant to be easy, because nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. 
Love wasn't meant to be easy, because how else would we know that the kind of love that is so impossibly hard for us, is so amazingly easy for the One and only One that it comes easy for? 
How else would we be able to grasp how small and imperfect our love is in comparison to how wide and long and high and deep the love of our creator is?






Love is knowing someone's not perfect, but sacrificing yourself for them anyway. Love is knowing that people are mean, and selfish, and impure, and deciding to treat them as if they aren't.
Love is seeing someone's many flaws, but knowing your own flaws are just as great or greater in number. 




You can't know someone unless you know all their flaws too. 
You can love anyone. But you can't truly love someone until you know them, flaws and all, and decide to love them anyway. That's all anyone wants: to be completely known and loved anyway. 




It's hard to love someone that isn't perfect. 
It's hard to love someone that doesn't love you.


But love is always the answer. 

Strength vs. Weakness

Lately I've been seeing a strong theme of strength vs weakness. Kind of creepily, actually. 
For about a week there I'd have a conversation about strength or weakness with all different people, all pertaining to different things. 


I gathered: (according to others' opinions)
Strength is doing what's right when no one is watching, or integrity.
Strength is doing what you most need over what you most want.
Strength is not giving up on something you've set your mind to.
Strength is hiding your emotions at all costs.
Strength is pride.


Weakness is vulnerability.
Weakness is giving in to your desires.
Weakness is the fall after the pride.
Weakness is transparency.


As I try to sort through my thoughts on it, and try to understand the differences, I find it a little funny that we try so hard to be strong when it's inevitably impossible. We are by nature, weak. We were created to need something bigger than ourselves. We were created weak because God's power is made perfect in our weakness and His glory and love shines brightly through it all.

"I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My presence... Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow me to bless you richly through it." -Jesus Calling

Weakness is vulnerability.
                Or is there strength in being unguarded?
Weakness is giving in to your desires.
                Or is there strength in not giving up on your desires?
Weakness is the fall after the pride.
                Or is there strength in picking yourself up off the floor, realizing you're not as strong as you think you are? Maybe ultimate strength found in Christ and humility?
Weakness is transparency.
                Or is there strength in letting people see that you're not perfect?




To conclude, weakness results in strength and strength results in weakness. 



It's a vicious cycle... such is life.

Either way, God is in control right?

Tower of Terror---Colossus---Buffalo Bills

I love roller-coasters.


Roller-coasters are my favorite.


But I hate emotional roller-coasters. 


And that's what I am. One, big, fast, emotional roller-coaster.


Not necessarily in that I'm crying one moment and jumping for joy the next.


But, in that I want to do something one moment, with complete motivation and reasoning to do it,
then the next moment I want to do something else. A moment can last from an hour, to a day, to a week, to a year. Lately, it usually lasts a day.


I come to a realization, believe it and see completely clearly how it's right and smart and logical,
then, *poof*, my emotions get the better of me and I'm back to feeling.


When I feel, I feel in extremes. When I think, I can't not feel. 


I have the hardest time separating my emotions from any situation:
If it's a decision, my emotions have to be a part of the decision. Because who ever made a good decision based completely on logic..right?
If it's an argument, I argue based on what I feel because who ever made a point using only logic? 
If it's interpreting something someone says or does, I automatically assume it was based on emotion, because lately it seems that emotion is the foundation for everything I say and do. This probably needs to change.


If only emotional roller-coasters gave me the same adrenaline rush as a real roller-coaster.

It's no coincidence

It's no coincidence that the very love we long, thirst, and search for, the love that can't be found anywhere else, is the very love of God.


It's not by chance that the hole inside each of us can only be filled and satisfied by Jesus.


We were created to need our Creator. 
We were created to have a desire for love. 
God created us that way on purpose.
So that we would search and search and find that He is the love we so desperately desire.
So that we would find Jesus is the puzzle piece that fits perfectly inside each of us. 


We were created empty so that we could have the joy of being filled to the fullest by Him. 


And it's no mystery that we have that emptiness,
we have that need for true love. 
There's no question that everything apart from Christ brings only temporary satisfaction. 


It's no coincidence. 

The Open Road

Is it wrong to trust God to turn a mistake you made into something good? I feel like it is, but I feel like it's wrong to feel like that...


Everything happens for a reason, I believe that with everything I am. 
But even things that are in my control?
The mistakes and choices I make- do I make them for a reason, or because I make them, does God then come up with a reason?


Destiny, fate, and God's will is hard to grasp.
How do we know the difference between what's destined to be and our own will? 

The way I see it, we're all on our own planned path.
On that path there are roadblocks, detours, valleys, hills, boulders, furry animals, etc., (a.k.a. blessings and trials) that were placed there for a reason. 
Also along this path are choices, or forks in the road in which one way leads to something different than the other. 

This is where I get lost... what if you choose the wrong path? 
Is a completely different plan and purpose created? Or does this path eventually converge back with the original plan? 

The great thing is, no matter which way we choose, we're most likely unaware whether it was the right choice or not because life moves along, the path keeps going, and we have no idea where it's going. 
We don't know when it meets up with the original, and we don't know if it doesn't, and we don't know if we're even on the wrong or right path.


Which brings me to another question: Is there a 'wrong' or 'right' path?


The 'right' path, I think, is the original. If both options at the fork in the road are beneficial and in tune with what you believe morally, then I think both are right. 

The 'wrong' path, I think, is anything but the original. 

Because of our free-will, we have the option to step off this path at any point in time and trudge through the wilderness. 
In doing that, we miss the hills and furry animals on the original path. 

So back to my first question: do we eventually find our way back to the original, or is a new path created because of our choice to step off the original?

I just don't know, and I don't think I ever will....

Morse Code

You know that feeling... 
when your heart rate increases, and you start breathing heavier.


Each beat of your heart feels like it's trying to break out of your chest. 


It hurts because it's longing for something. It's crying for something it can't have, but at the same time it feels content. 
It's craving something, but you don't know what.
  
Like something is tugging at it, urging it to leap out of your body but all you feel is the painful fact that it's stuck there.

Imprisoned, containing only the ability to do human things like pump blood through your veins and deliver oxygen to your organs. 
It's defined by boundaries instead of doing what it wants to do--beat freely. 


It's like you're grasping for air that you can't quite reach. 
Your lungs are collapsing and no matter how deep your breaths, your heart is not satisfied with the shallowness of the flesh that detains it.


It can't beat through electric impulses alone. 
Often it forgets it's true desire and just sustains the life it was given responsibility of. But it needs more. It needs to be fed. It needs to love. 
It needs to somehow tell the body that it wasn't only made for these menial tasks. 


So it beats faster. 
It requires more oxygen. 
It tries to jump out of the rib cage that hides it from the world just to get your attention; to make you listen to the message hidden like Morse Code in the beats that you ignore daily. 






Your heart is telling you something. Listen. 

The Pits

We live on a path.

And sometimes we choose to step off of this path.
Out of curiosity, maybe rebellion, or because the grass seems greener over there. 

Without any marked trail to follow we misstep, stumble, and fall.

That's okay, as long as we get back up, and realize that we should probably follow our bread crumb trail back to the path. 

But sometimes we fall in holes. Or pits.

Those falls are hard, and fast.
And the pits are deep, dark, and cold.

All our strength is gone from trudging through the wilderness so we're tired and weak. And we wanna just lay there for a while on the nice cold ground. A break from searching. A break from walking.

Then, once we start to feel the pain of our broken bones, and the hardness of the ground, we wonder how we got there in the first place.
It seems like we just took a brief scenic route, so how did it lead here?

It never takes too long to lose yourself. And you don't realize you've wandered...until you're lost.
Until you're lying, broken, on the cold floor of that deep pit, do you realize the steps you took to get there. 

And so you start to climb out, ironically, healing on the way.

And it takes a while.

But it's worth it.

Because once your face is warmed again by the sun, and your weary feet touch the soft green grass, you'll look back and be grateful. 

Grateful for what you learned and grateful for the grace you were given to climb out.


And you'll never go back.

Undefined

I like definitions. Because definitions are concrete, they solidify the meaning of something, they settle the score, they can't be changed by anyone that feels the need to change them. 


m-w.com is one of my favorite websites. 
^^^link

DEFINITION

1

: an act of determining

2  : a statement expressing the essential nature of something
3  : the action of the power of describing, explaining, or making definite and clear


Defining yourself is not much different than defining a word. 
Your definition is your essential nature, and it can't be changed by anyone.


Defining yourself is the act of determining. 


There are a few different ways of defining yourself:
Through the eyes of other people
Through the eyes of yourself
Through the eyes of a Higher Power


Like everything, whichever route you choose, each has with it it's pros and cons.


Through the eyes of other people:
Pros:
-If people generally like you, you've got a good self-image
-Sometimes other people see things in you that you don't see, good or bad
Cons:
-You become dependent on others' opinions
-If it's a single person you're being defined by, you're completely lost when that person is gone
-You stop trying to know yourself when all that matters is how other people know you
-Everything becomes about pleasing people, and upholding to their standards


Through the eyes of yourself:
Pros:
-You don't let anyone tell you who to be or who you are
-You can be whoever you want to be
Cons:
-You will never be exactly who you want to be
-You see all the flaws that no one else sees
-You rarely let people in deep enough to see who you truly are


Through the eyes of a Higher Power:
Pros: 
-If this Higher Power is unconditionally loving, you know that no matter who your are, no matter your worst flaw, and no matter what mistakes you make, It sees you as perfect
-If this Higher Power is all-knowing, It knows you down to every cell in your body, and loves you anyway
-If this Higher Power is all-powerful, It can give you the strength to overcome whatever it is that weighs you down the most.
Cons:
-I can't think of any cons...


Also like everything else, finding your definition is a process.


I'm in the process of finding my definition. For so long I let myself be defined by people, which prevented me from truly knowing who I am, and truly seeing my worth for what it is. 


Depending on what you choose to be defined by, the steps are different. I've decided that I cannot be defined by people. So i tried to define myself. And after I did that, I realized my only true definition can be found in God, or my "Higher Power".


For me, this was/is the process:
Step one:
Realizing my definition/value is not in a person or people. 
Understanding how that is destructive.


Step two:
Trying to define myself/learning about myself in a different light.


Step three:
Hating myself because of what I see. Judging myself based on who I am and who I'm not.


Step four:
Seeing how God defines me based on His unconditional love, all-knowingness, and all-powerfulness. 


Step five:
Being defined by God's love and in turn loving myself, and letting that love grow and change me. 




I'm not quite to step five, but I'm making progress. Every once in a while I let my emotions take me back to step negative one. But the beauty of it is that it's much easier to get back to step four knowing what I know now. 


The definition I find in people and in myself puts me in a box. No room for change or adaptation. It's concrete. It's unsatisfying. 
The definition I find in God puts me in a place with infinite space. It gives me value and hope. There's room for improvement and room for the satisfaction of knowing I'm loved no matter what I am or what I do. 




There's only moving forward from here.