In Honor of This Easter Season

Ephesians 1:7

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace"

This has been on my mind for quite a while. 

For as long as I can remember, I wanted God to show me His love. I wanted to feel it. I wanted to know without a doubt that He loved me, like everyone told me He did. 

And despite my tests, I never felt it the way I wanted. You know, like that overwhelming, can't-breathe, I-feel-so-warm-and-fuzzy, feeling?

And I finally realized that it wasn't God's fault, it was mine.

It wasn't a problem of God failing to show His love, it was me failing to recognize it. 
He already showed me his love in the truest way possible. 

Romans 5:8 
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

In that while I was still a sinner, He died for me. 
Key words being, "still a sinner". 

I always kinda felt like that wasn't really a big deal. 

Like, yeah, a lot of people have done some really bad things, but I'm not that bad.
Yeah, I sin, but not as bad as some people. 

And I didn't understand until I realized that I am just as bad as the worst of the worst. 

Because it's all the same in God's eyes. No matter how big or small, every sin is humanity thinking that we're okay on our own, that we don't need the creator of the universe to tell us what to do. 

I am human. Like everyone else. And I am a sinner. Like everyone else. 

When I realized that, the cross became so much more incredible. 
When Christ died, I wasn't born yet. Obviously.
But He knew I would sin.
He knew every nook and cranny of my disgusting heart and still died for me. 

Would I die for someone knowing that they would deny the very fact that I died?
Would I do it knowing they would just curse my name in response?
Knowing they would speak evil against me, live contrary to everything I taught them in love, and knowing they wouldn't believe it?
Would I die for someone knowing that they were the very ones killing me?

Say, a judge is convicted of a crime and given the death sentence. 
I decide that I want to die in his place (if that were legal), knowing full well that he's guilty of the crime and deserves to die. 
Then, he is the one to sign off on my arrest and personally order my execution, maybe even execute me himself.

Now, say I knew all of this ahead of time. Would I still die for him? Would I love him so much that no matter what he did to me, I still want him to have the chance at a full and abundant life?

There's no way I would.

But Jesus did.

He died for everyone. Not just the people that believed. Not just the pastors and the missionaries and the Sunday school teacher. He died for everyone. 
The murderers.
The adulterers.
The thiefs.
The liars.
The impure.
The ungrateful.
The gossips.
The sex-slave trader.
The slave.
The disobedient.
The alcoholics.
The pornography-viewers.
The abusive. 

The drug addicts.
The homeless.
The angry. 
The prideful.
The foolish.
The rich.
The poor.
Everyone.

Because He wanted every single one of us to have the chance at a full and abundant life. 
Knowing that many would deny Him, hate Him, persecute His people. Knowing that even those who do love Him, still betray, deny, and fall away.


It's not about God proving His love to us over and over, because He does, but we won't ever understand, be able to accept that love, or even see it until we realize how much we desperately need it. When we realize that, we see that it's been in front of us the whole time. And we see without a shadow of a doubt that we cannot possibly go on living without it. 


When I stopped thinking that God owed it to me to prove that He loves me, and started realizing how desperately I need that love, I saw that that very love is everywhere. 

He already went to the extremes to prove His love.
He still fights for my selfish little heart moment by moment.
He hasn't given up on me even through all the times I've given up on Him. 
That is how he shows His love, and that's all he wants us to do: be so caught up in the waves of His unfailing and perfect love that we use all our hearts, strength, and souls to love Him in return. 

This love that persists through my wandering and selfishness is so humbling. Thank you, Jesus.

Sometimes We Feel Small...

It’s okay to recognize our smallness.

It’s okay to feel insufficient for the task.

It’s okay to come face-to-face with the dwarfishness of our personal ability to solve this massive problem. Because, it’s when we see our inability, that we are finally able to see His ability.

After all, isn’t He the One who has measured the waters of this earth in the hollow of His hand; meted out heaven with a span; comprehended the dust of the earth in a measure; weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance? To Him, the nations are as a drop in a bucket and are counted as the small dust of the balance (Isaiah 40:12).

When He heads off to war, there are none that can stay His hand (Daniel 4:35).

He sits as King between the mighty cherubim, above all, over all, and in control of all – the creator of the heavens and the earth, God of all the kingdoms of this earth (Isaiah 37:16).

He can bind the sweet influences of Pleiades, and loose the bands of Orion – He can set the dominion of His ordinances in the earth. He can send forth lightning, number the clouds, and stay the bottles of heaven (Job 38).

He is the Mighty God (Isaiah 9:6),

The Everlasting God (Isaiah 40:28),

Over all, God blessed for ever (Romans 9:5),

The God of the whole earth (Isaiah 54:5), and

His throne is for ever and ever (Hebrews 1:8).

He is the Almighty, which is, and which was, and which is to come (Revelation 1:8),

The Creator of all things (Colossians 1:16),

The Upholder of all things (Hebrews 1:3).

Is there any question? We may be unable to alter this world, but He can. He is able to rescue. He is able to change everything.

Sometimes we struggle.

¹strug·gle

 intransitive verb \ˈstrə-gəl\

strug·gledstrug·gling

Definition of STRUGGLE

     1       : to make strenuous or violent efforts in the face of difficulties or opposition 

Like now. Things are hard. All around. It feels out of control. There's not one area of life that's steady. I know. I'm here. And it's hard.

There are probably lots of people who can maybe give better answers than this, but there isn't a right answer.
If there were, someone would have said it already.
If there was something someone could say that would make things suddenly easier, they would have said it.
If there was a magic wand that could make people trade places and help each other, someone would be a billionaire.

But, let me say this:
You are loved. By the people around you. By a God that created you and currently rules the universe.

Things are so tough for all of us.
We are strong and this season will pass. And you serve a big God.

But I get that it sucks right now. 

Freedom never felt so good.

I've started to not care about boys.
Which is the best feeling in the world. Because, no matter what, I just don't care. 
I'm not completely done caring, of course. I still crave that attention like any other girl, but not nearly as much as in the past. I don't care if no one has texted me all day, I don't care if that cute guy on campus doesn't notice me, I don't care that anything I've ever had with anyone has failed. 

Not caring never felt so good. 

Focusing on myself, finding my value, being independent of others' opinions,never felt so good.

I can honestly say that I don't want a boyfriend, and I can honestly say that I don't even care if a boy likes me. 

This is such a freeing feeling. 
I'm not enslaved by opinions, I'm not controlled  by people's choices. 

I can see clearly, I can make my own choices, I can make my own mistakes. 
I love it. This feeling may be just as addicting as the attention.

Freedom. Freedom is addicting. And I'm hooked.

Losing Control

I found my strength in letting go.

I found my peace in lost control.

I found myself outside of me.

I found my sight, blindingly.

I'm not a controlling person, I don't think, when it comes to other people. But when it comes to myself, I will fight like crazy to control my life. 

I've realized this off an on throughout my life, but I just recently realized the extremity of my need to control. 

I tell myself I'm trusting that everything will work out for my benefit. I tell myself that I don't need to worry about my future because it's already planned out, and it won't be the way I plan it anyway.

But my actions prove differently. 

I don't know why I'm so scared to just let go of everything I want. 

All these passions and dreams I have are great,  but they can also be binding of my true purpose.

I want to control. Particularly, I want to control my dreams.

I let my love for drawing, music, people, you name it, become goals and plans rather than gifts to be used for the purpose of serving God and people. Just because I'm interested in something, doesn't mean it's a sign that I have to pursue it. 

So, I'm trying my best to give God the control of these dreams. 

I'm giving it up. I will continue to do things I enjoy, but I need to set my focus elsewhere, and trust that God will grant me these dreams if or when I'm ready to use it for His purpose. 

I will never be able to clearly see God's will if I'm looking for it through my peripheral vision. 

Dream #1: Marriage

This is a new realization. I've always wanted to get married. And therefore lived my life as such. Constantly looking at men as potentials, and constantly needing affirmation and attention. 

It's a part of my life that I felt like I could control. 

But I've been proven wrong. Oh boy, have I been proven wrong.

Through countless heartaches, I finally realized that the kind of love and relationship I want isn't going to come from anything I do. 

I'm not going to find it by myself, and searching for it only closes my mind that much more to God's will.

So, I'm changing my perspective.

I am stopping trying to control this area of my life.

I do not need a man to pursue God and His plans. 

I am nowhere near the woman I want to be, and the woman I know God has intended me to be.

I am nowhere near the woman that I would want my future husband to pursue. 

I have to pursue that woman, and find my identity alone before I could ever be a good wife or even girlfriend. 

I've realized my pursuit of men is selfish, prideful, and unsatisfying. So I'm giving it up. It's been my focus for too long. It's been a priority for too long. 

I want to be a servant. A warrior. An advocate for the One that loves me more than any human could.

I want to be that kind of woman that when my feet hit the ground in the morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up." 

I need to be as effective as possible before I could possibly be effective with someone else. 

So I'm giving up this pursuit of marriage, and trusting that God will bring me to the right person in His perfect timing. If I'm supposed to get married at all. 

Dream #2: People

God gave me a burning passion in my soul to help people, and to serve them in any way I can. 

This is my purpose in life. This is what brings me the most satisfaction. So this is what I will pursue. 

I will pursue all the ways I can serve people to the best of my ability. 

And I will trust that in doing this God will bring me to my ultimate purpose in a career, marriage, or dream. 

The more I try to control my life, the more I can't.

The more I follow my own will, the more unsatisfied and left wanting more I am.

 I found my strength in letting go.

I found my peace in lost control.

I found myself outside of me.

I found my sight, blindingly.

Never too late to start over.

I lost myself. For a very long time. For a major part of my life.
For the time that I most needed to find myself, I was lost. 

I don't remember that person I grew up with. She seems so different, like a stranger.

And now, I'm starting over. I'm defining myself the best way I know how from scratch. I'm paying attention and creating for myself a definition to stick to, a character that will not be altered by anyone or anything. 

I'm walking down this path in front of me, picking up bits and pieces along the way, to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I'm finding my identity all over again because I never found it in the right place. It was always in someone else. 

So... I am what I am and that's all that I am. And once I figure out who that is, that's all I'm going to be. 

What Do You Do When...

The one thing that you know you want is potentially not meant to be?
When you've spent years planning your life around a dream that has ended up being unfulfilling and dissatisfying?
When you feel like you're not on the path you're supposed to be on?
When you want too many things, but you can't have it all?
When you know what you want, but you have no idea how to go about in getting it?
What do you do?

You don't do anything. 
You stop.
You take a deep breath.
You remember that life is out of control no matter how much you try to control it.
You acknowledge your flawed way of thinking when you try to take life by the reins.
You realize that there's no possible way to plan every last detail. 


You take one moment at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time, and trust that everything is going to work out just fine. 

Because it's never going to work out the way we plan anyway. And that's okay, because the things that are most satisfying, that come from walking blindly forward, exceed everything we could possibly imagine or dream.

Inexpressible

This love. This joy. This peace.
It's a river flowing through my veins, quenching every vessel.
It's a fire burning in my heart, igniting every beat.
My heart breaks at the inability to tell it all.
My breath comes short to sing of His glory. 
My soul yearns for His presence.
It yearns to see His face, to kiss His lips, to be held in His arms.
My soul longs to rest at His feet, to serve Him humbly, to wash His feet with my tears.

Oh my God, there are no words.

Nothing can explain, nothing can contain, nothing can retain, nothing can detain this
overwhelming,
everlasting,
all consuming, 
never ending,
unrelenting,
beautiful,
graceful,
majestic,
peaceful, 
and satisfying 


love. 



For too long I thought of God as merely a deity, a far-off being that tells me what to do and that helps when I need Him. 
But He's so much more.
He's so much closer.
Closer than any human being could ever be. Closer than even my conscience. 
Closer than my own awareness of myself.
He's a part of me. We are one.
He lives inside of me. 
We are invited to have an intimate relationship with Him. 
He knows everything about us, and loves us anyway.
He is everything we've ever longed for. 
Every desire fulfilled.
He is the man of my dreams.
He is the very beat of my heart.
He is my first and last love. 
His deepest desire is to be the fulfillment of my deepest desires. 
He's a hopeless romantic.
He's mine, and I am His. 
He's the greatest love story of all time. 


And,
when we finally make it home, 
all these words that can't be uttered,
this love that can't be comprehended, 
the knowledge of the goodness of God,
and the unsearchable and unfathomable things of His love 
will all be revealed. 
As soon as we step into the glory of His presence,
understanding will hit us like a tidal wave. 
This fire that couldn't break out of my being before will consume me and I will see Him for who He is.
I will understand the depths of His love. 
I will finally be able to proclaim and express the deep and everlasting love and fullness of Him. 

And my only response will be to worship Him for the rest of eternity. 
And not even eternity will be long enough to sing of His glory. 

Nothing's ever as it seems.

The sooner I realize that, the happier I will be. I can stop expecting things to be the way I see and feel them to be and expect to be constantly surprised. 

There's always an ulterior motive, or a hidden emotion, or a silver lining. And that's always how it's always going to be. The universe and all it's laws don't change. God and His promises don't change. People and their human nature don't change. 

It's me that's got to change. It's my surrounding that have got to change. It's me that's got to adapt to my surroundings and learn how to function and flourish in them.

There are so many things I've yet to realize about myself and about this world I live in. I've got to open my eyes because nothing is what I think it is. Nothing is going to change or adapt to me...it's going to change no matter what, and I'm the one that has to adapt.

And change is good. Change makes me learn. It's the one thing in life that I can count on not changing, besides God, of course.

Accept it. Learn from it. And let the change, change you in all the ways it needs to. 

Because change is inevitable. And nothing is ever as it seems. 

Processing

Everything is a process. Everything takes time. 
Nothing happens over night. 


I'm in transit. I'm processing. 


I'm in the process of healing.
I'm in the process of moving on.
I'm in the process of acceptance.
I'm in the process of placing my value in Christ.
I'm in the process of surrender.
I'm in the process of learning.
I'm in the process of letting go.


And I'm feeling pretty optimistic. Even though I haven't reached the end, at least I'm on my way. 
One wrong turn can reverse all my progress. One emotional day can make me forget everything I've learned.  


I'm processing, going through all the steps and all the stages. 


And it's about time.