Sometimes we mess up...

Sometimes we mess up.

Like we REALLY mess up. 

Like, mess up so bad that you feel as useful and loved as the nightwatchman in charge of watching for icebergs on the Titanic. 
In the end you are hurt. 
People you love and care about are hurt.
And you feel as useful as a white crayon...or a teapot made out of chocolate.


Then afterwards, you feel like a failure. You wonder how in the world you could have messed up so badly.
You wonder how small little compromises that didn't seem that bad at first, later led to bigger troubles that eventually and inevitably hit you like a ton (literally a ton) of bricks. 
Once all is said and done, you then feel like you have hit rock bottom. 
You feel self-hatred. 
You feel awful. 
You feel worn. 
You feel numb. 
You feel hurt. 
And you wonder how in the world you will ever be able to fix it. 
You wonder how you are going to be able to make it up to those that you have hurt. 
You feel like a prisoner. 
Most importantly, you wonder how you will ever be forgiven, or if you even deserve forgiveness. 
It's like you are on a never ending emotional roller-coaster that will eventually lead to a fiery and painful death, because after all, that is what you feel you deserve, right? 

Forgiveness has been on my mind a lot lately and all I can say is: 

Forgiveness is hard. Period. 

In my current situation, I have realized that it is equally as hard to forgive yourself when you do something wrong, as it is to forgive others who do wrong to you. That was something I never thought of before, but then again, I have never been in this situation before, either. Sure there have been smaller things that I have had to ask for forgiveness for, but never anything this... 
colossally, enormously, and TREMENDOUSLY big. 

I never thought that my not forgiving other people, for even the seemingly small or petty things, could make them feel like a prisoner. It reminds me of that one Matthew West song so properly and shockingly entitled, "Forgiveness." Near the end of the song the songwriter states:

"It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you"

This one single verse has spoken volumes to me at different moments in my life. It not only speaks to the person who needed forgiveness, but also the person that needed to forgive. 

Here is what I have gotten out of it: 

Forgiveness=Freedom 

Not just for the forgive-ee, but also for the forgiver(er?) Whatever...you get what I am trying to say. 

Furthermore, I know that God forgives me, but why doesn't it seem like it's enough? 

Shouldn't it be? 

Shouldn't I be content with knowing just that? 

Maybe I shouldn't care so much if others forgive me...but I do. 

I so desperately want to be forgiven that I feel like it made me loose focus on what is important. 

1 John 1:9 is one of those important things. 

It was one of the first verses I memorized (besides the cliche' John 3:16) and has been a verse that I have always clung to in times of feeling...well...unforgivable or unworthy. 

It says: 

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and will cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 

This one little verse can impart so much hope to someone who feels incredibly hopeless. To someone who feels unworthy. To me. 

Because we all mess up. 

We all sin. 

You just have to go up one verse (1 John 1:8) to see that!  1 John 1:9 clearly tells us, me included, 

that God IS Faithful. 

God WILL forgive us. 

It doesn't say "You are only forgiven if all long as you didn't lie"

 or

 " to be forgiven you have to have read the entire Bible, memorized 153 verses, and recite them in song form while doing a one handed handstand in a kiddie pool filled with baby oil." 

He simply wants us to ask and trust Him to do the rest; because it says so clearly that He WILL cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness. 

He WILL forgive us! 

He WILL even forgive

...me. 

So again, back to my question, shouldn't God forgiving me be enough? 

My answer is Yes...and no. 

Yes, it is enough, eternally and realistically internally as well. 

But what about all of these friends that I have lost? 

What about family that is mad at me? 

Shouldn't I want their forgiveness, too? 

And what if they don't give it? 

What I have come to realize is that once I stop caring what others think, and start thinking about what my Heavenly Father thinks, everything will work out. We are promised in Paul's letter to the Romans that  "all things God works for the good of those who love Him." All I can do is ask them to forgive me and pursue a life honoring to God. The rest is between them and God. 

Sometimes that is easier said than done, though. 

All I can do is rely and trust what is true, and love God and love others...

That is what the Bible tells me. 

I have learned many things from this experience. 

Some good. 
Some great. 
Some not-so-good. 
Some no-so-great. 

I have learned that the truth really will set you free, even if it hurts you and the people you love and care about. 
I have learned that even though God is enough for me, that doesn't mean that it is only about me and Him...I have to love and honor His people, too. 
I have learned that God can turn terrible mistakes into beautiful miracles, and I can't wait to see how he is going to use even this. 
I have learned that even the nightwatchman in charge of watching for icebergs deserves forgiveness. 
I have learned that a white crayon can have a purpose. 
And that chocolate teapots...well they still aren't the best idea, but I am sure God could still use them if He wanted, too. 

And God can still use me, He is not finished with me yet. 

Is it well?

Have you ever heard of a man by the name of Horatio Spafford? 

--Maybe, but probably not. 

He lived back in the 1800's in Chicago.

He was a successful and lawyer, he had a beautiful home, a wife, four daughters and a son. He was also a devout Christian and faithful student of the Scriptures. In 1871, there was the Great Chicago Fire…one of the greatest disasters of their time (similar to how Hurricane Katrina and the Joplin tornado were major disasters in our time). Many people lost all their possessions. Worse, Horatio Spafford’s son had died of scarlet fever at the age of 4, just prior to the Chicago Fire, where they also lost nearly all of their possessions.

It was around that time that Mr. Spafford decided to make a new start, and to move his family overseas. He arranged to sell what was left of his property, and he bought tickets for himself, his wife, and his four daughters.  Spafford, after receiving news of needing to take care of some last minute business, sent his wife and daughters ahead of him while he remained in Chicago.

  

Several days later, Spafford received a telegram. It was signed by his wife. And there were only two words on it. “Saved alone," his family's ship had encountered a collision. All four of his daughters drowned; only his wife had survived.

With a heavy heart, Spafford boarded a boat that would take him to his grieving wife in Europe. While he was halfway across the Atlantic, the captain called him to the bridge; He pointed out the exact location that his daughters lost their lives, as they sailed past it.

 

It was then that Spafford wrote the words to a poem:

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way.

When sorrows, like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot,
Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is one thing that is certain about life, and that is that life is uncertain. 

Sometimes I make plans for my life, and those plans go up in flames. 

BIG. MONSTROUS. VIOLENT. SAVAGE. FLAMES. 

One minute you are might be surrounded by your loved ones. The next moment you may be all alone. 

Sometimes things happen and in a million years, you will never be able to explain it.

It’s easy to say that you have faith in God when things are good. But when things go bad, which they invariably will from time to time, during those moments can you say:

"...whatever my lot, it is well with my soul?"

                  

The question is…how could a man who lost his son, lost his business, lost his four daughters…possible say that things were "well with his soul?"

People all over the world look anywhere and everywhere for peace. Banks and insurance companies say that having money, that’s what brings you peace and security. If you go to a store, you’ll see them sell aromatherapy candles and shampoo and soap that are supposed to bring peace to you. Some say that listening to light music can bring you peace. Or seeing Therapists. Or doing meditation and yoga. 

etc. etc. etc.

But this is all peace as the world gives. These things might bring some temporary relaxation, but they don’t bring peace to the soul. True peace.

True peace only comes from one source.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - Jesus Christ - John 14:27

In life, sometimes things can get chaotic.

Sometimes you will feel alone. 

Sometimes you will feel afraid. 

In this world we will have trouble. That much  is guaranteed.

But the remarkable thing is, when you really know Christ, you have the blessed assurance that you’re never really truly alone. And because of this you never need to be afraid. Because as chaotic as life gets, He has things under control. He will not leave you alone. He’s already done all he can, by taking your sins away–not because we deserve it, but because of His love. And nothing can separate you from that love. And because of that, when trials come I can say: 

 "even so, it is well, it is well with my soul."

"Though the devil will ruin, though trials may come
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And He shed His own blood for my soul

It is well, with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul"

In Honor of This Easter Season

Ephesians 1:7

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace"

This has been on my mind for quite a while. 

For as long as I can remember, I wanted God to show me His love. I wanted to feel it. I wanted to know without a doubt that He loved me, like everyone told me He did. 

And despite my tests, I never felt it the way I wanted. You know, like that overwhelming, can't-breathe, I-feel-so-warm-and-fuzzy, feeling?

And I finally realized that it wasn't God's fault, it was mine.

It wasn't a problem of God failing to show His love, it was me failing to recognize it. 
He already showed me his love in the truest way possible. 

Romans 5:8 
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

In that while I was still a sinner, He died for me. 
Key words being, "still a sinner". 

I always kinda felt like that wasn't really a big deal. 

Like, yeah, a lot of people have done some really bad things, but I'm not that bad.
Yeah, I sin, but not as bad as some people. 

And I didn't understand until I realized that I am just as bad as the worst of the worst. 

Because it's all the same in God's eyes. No matter how big or small, every sin is humanity thinking that we're okay on our own, that we don't need the creator of the universe to tell us what to do. 

I am human. Like everyone else. And I am a sinner. Like everyone else. 

When I realized that, the cross became so much more incredible. 
When Christ died, I wasn't born yet. Obviously.
But He knew I would sin.
He knew every nook and cranny of my disgusting heart and still died for me. 

Would I die for someone knowing that they would deny the very fact that I died?
Would I do it knowing they would just curse my name in response?
Knowing they would speak evil against me, live contrary to everything I taught them in love, and knowing they wouldn't believe it?
Would I die for someone knowing that they were the very ones killing me?

Say, a judge is convicted of a crime and given the death sentence. 
I decide that I want to die in his place (if that were legal), knowing full well that he's guilty of the crime and deserves to die. 
Then, he is the one to sign off on my arrest and personally order my execution, maybe even execute me himself.

Now, say I knew all of this ahead of time. Would I still die for him? Would I love him so much that no matter what he did to me, I still want him to have the chance at a full and abundant life?

There's no way I would.

But Jesus did.

He died for everyone. Not just the people that believed. Not just the pastors and the missionaries and the Sunday school teacher. He died for everyone. 
The murderers.
The adulterers.
The thiefs.
The liars.
The impure.
The ungrateful.
The gossips.
The sex-slave trader.
The slave.
The disobedient.
The alcoholics.
The pornography-viewers.
The abusive. 

The drug addicts.
The homeless.
The angry. 
The prideful.
The foolish.
The rich.
The poor.
Everyone.

Because He wanted every single one of us to have the chance at a full and abundant life. 
Knowing that many would deny Him, hate Him, persecute His people. Knowing that even those who do love Him, still betray, deny, and fall away.


It's not about God proving His love to us over and over, because He does, but we won't ever understand, be able to accept that love, or even see it until we realize how much we desperately need it. When we realize that, we see that it's been in front of us the whole time. And we see without a shadow of a doubt that we cannot possibly go on living without it. 


When I stopped thinking that God owed it to me to prove that He loves me, and started realizing how desperately I need that love, I saw that that very love is everywhere. 

He already went to the extremes to prove His love.
He still fights for my selfish little heart moment by moment.
He hasn't given up on me even through all the times I've given up on Him. 
That is how he shows His love, and that's all he wants us to do: be so caught up in the waves of His unfailing and perfect love that we use all our hearts, strength, and souls to love Him in return. 

This love that persists through my wandering and selfishness is so humbling. Thank you, Jesus.

Sometimes We Feel Small...

It’s okay to recognize our smallness.

It’s okay to feel insufficient for the task.

It’s okay to come face-to-face with the dwarfishness of our personal ability to solve this massive problem. Because, it’s when we see our inability, that we are finally able to see His ability.

After all, isn’t He the One who has measured the waters of this earth in the hollow of His hand; meted out heaven with a span; comprehended the dust of the earth in a measure; weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance? To Him, the nations are as a drop in a bucket and are counted as the small dust of the balance (Isaiah 40:12).

When He heads off to war, there are none that can stay His hand (Daniel 4:35).

He sits as King between the mighty cherubim, above all, over all, and in control of all – the creator of the heavens and the earth, God of all the kingdoms of this earth (Isaiah 37:16).

He can bind the sweet influences of Pleiades, and loose the bands of Orion – He can set the dominion of His ordinances in the earth. He can send forth lightning, number the clouds, and stay the bottles of heaven (Job 38).

He is the Mighty God (Isaiah 9:6),

The Everlasting God (Isaiah 40:28),

Over all, God blessed for ever (Romans 9:5),

The God of the whole earth (Isaiah 54:5), and

His throne is for ever and ever (Hebrews 1:8).

He is the Almighty, which is, and which was, and which is to come (Revelation 1:8),

The Creator of all things (Colossians 1:16),

The Upholder of all things (Hebrews 1:3).

Is there any question? We may be unable to alter this world, but He can. He is able to rescue. He is able to change everything.

Sometimes we struggle.

¹strug·gle

 intransitive verb \ˈstrə-gəl\

strug·gledstrug·gling

Definition of STRUGGLE

     1       : to make strenuous or violent efforts in the face of difficulties or opposition 

Like now. Things are hard. All around. It feels out of control. There's not one area of life that's steady. I know. I'm here. And it's hard.

There are probably lots of people who can maybe give better answers than this, but there isn't a right answer.
If there were, someone would have said it already.
If there was something someone could say that would make things suddenly easier, they would have said it.
If there was a magic wand that could make people trade places and help each other, someone would be a billionaire.

But, let me say this:
You are loved. By the people around you. By a God that created you and currently rules the universe.

Things are so tough for all of us.
We are strong and this season will pass. And you serve a big God.

But I get that it sucks right now. 

Freedom never felt so good.

I've started to not care about boys.
Which is the best feeling in the world. Because, no matter what, I just don't care. 
I'm not completely done caring, of course. I still crave that attention like any other girl, but not nearly as much as in the past. I don't care if no one has texted me all day, I don't care if that cute guy on campus doesn't notice me, I don't care that anything I've ever had with anyone has failed. 

Not caring never felt so good. 

Focusing on myself, finding my value, being independent of others' opinions,never felt so good.

I can honestly say that I don't want a boyfriend, and I can honestly say that I don't even care if a boy likes me. 

This is such a freeing feeling. 
I'm not enslaved by opinions, I'm not controlled  by people's choices. 

I can see clearly, I can make my own choices, I can make my own mistakes. 
I love it. This feeling may be just as addicting as the attention.

Freedom. Freedom is addicting. And I'm hooked.

Losing Control

I found my strength in letting go.

I found my peace in lost control.

I found myself outside of me.

I found my sight, blindingly.

I'm not a controlling person, I don't think, when it comes to other people. But when it comes to myself, I will fight like crazy to control my life. 

I've realized this off an on throughout my life, but I just recently realized the extremity of my need to control. 

I tell myself I'm trusting that everything will work out for my benefit. I tell myself that I don't need to worry about my future because it's already planned out, and it won't be the way I plan it anyway.

But my actions prove differently. 

I don't know why I'm so scared to just let go of everything I want. 

All these passions and dreams I have are great,  but they can also be binding of my true purpose.

I want to control. Particularly, I want to control my dreams.

I let my love for drawing, music, people, you name it, become goals and plans rather than gifts to be used for the purpose of serving God and people. Just because I'm interested in something, doesn't mean it's a sign that I have to pursue it. 

So, I'm trying my best to give God the control of these dreams. 

I'm giving it up. I will continue to do things I enjoy, but I need to set my focus elsewhere, and trust that God will grant me these dreams if or when I'm ready to use it for His purpose. 

I will never be able to clearly see God's will if I'm looking for it through my peripheral vision. 

Dream #1: Marriage

This is a new realization. I've always wanted to get married. And therefore lived my life as such. Constantly looking at men as potentials, and constantly needing affirmation and attention. 

It's a part of my life that I felt like I could control. 

But I've been proven wrong. Oh boy, have I been proven wrong.

Through countless heartaches, I finally realized that the kind of love and relationship I want isn't going to come from anything I do. 

I'm not going to find it by myself, and searching for it only closes my mind that much more to God's will.

So, I'm changing my perspective.

I am stopping trying to control this area of my life.

I do not need a man to pursue God and His plans. 

I am nowhere near the woman I want to be, and the woman I know God has intended me to be.

I am nowhere near the woman that I would want my future husband to pursue. 

I have to pursue that woman, and find my identity alone before I could ever be a good wife or even girlfriend. 

I've realized my pursuit of men is selfish, prideful, and unsatisfying. So I'm giving it up. It's been my focus for too long. It's been a priority for too long. 

I want to be a servant. A warrior. An advocate for the One that loves me more than any human could.

I want to be that kind of woman that when my feet hit the ground in the morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up." 

I need to be as effective as possible before I could possibly be effective with someone else. 

So I'm giving up this pursuit of marriage, and trusting that God will bring me to the right person in His perfect timing. If I'm supposed to get married at all. 

Dream #2: People

God gave me a burning passion in my soul to help people, and to serve them in any way I can. 

This is my purpose in life. This is what brings me the most satisfaction. So this is what I will pursue. 

I will pursue all the ways I can serve people to the best of my ability. 

And I will trust that in doing this God will bring me to my ultimate purpose in a career, marriage, or dream. 

The more I try to control my life, the more I can't.

The more I follow my own will, the more unsatisfied and left wanting more I am.

 I found my strength in letting go.

I found my peace in lost control.

I found myself outside of me.

I found my sight, blindingly.