Like we REALLY mess up.
Like, mess up so bad that you feel as useful and loved as the nightwatchman in charge of watching for icebergs on the Titanic.
In the end you are hurt.
People you love and care about are hurt.
And you feel as useful as a white crayon...or a teapot made out of chocolate.
Then afterwards, you feel like a failure. You wonder how in the world you could have messed up so badly.
You wonder how small little compromises that didn't seem that bad at first, later led to bigger troubles that eventually and inevitably hit you like a ton (literally a ton) of bricks.
Once all is said and done, you then feel like you have hit rock bottom.
You feel self-hatred.
You feel awful.
You feel worn.
You feel numb.
You feel hurt.
And you wonder how in the world you will ever be able to fix it.
You wonder how you are going to be able to make it up to those that you have hurt.
You feel like a prisoner.
Most importantly, you wonder how you will ever be forgiven, or if you even deserve forgiveness.
It's like you are on a never ending emotional roller-coaster that will eventually lead to a fiery and painful death, because after all, that is what you feel you deserve, right?
Forgiveness has been on my mind a lot lately and all I can say is:
Forgiveness is hard. Period.
In my current situation, I have realized that it is equally as hard to forgive yourself when you do something wrong, as it is to forgive others who do wrong to you. That was something I never thought of before, but then again, I have never been in this situation before, either. Sure there have been smaller things that I have had to ask for forgiveness for, but never anything this...
colossally, enormously, and TREMENDOUSLY big.
I never thought that my not forgiving other people, for even the seemingly small or petty things, could make them feel like a prisoner. It reminds me of that one Matthew West song so properly and shockingly entitled, "Forgiveness." Near the end of the song the songwriter states:
"It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you"
This one single verse has spoken volumes to me at different moments in my life. It not only speaks to the person who needed forgiveness, but also the person that needed to forgive.
Here is what I have gotten out of it:
Forgiveness=Freedom
Not just for the forgive-ee, but also for the forgiver(er?) Whatever...you get what I am trying to say.
Furthermore, I know that God forgives me, but why doesn't it seem like it's enough?
Shouldn't it be?
Shouldn't I be content with knowing just that?
Maybe I shouldn't care so much if others forgive me...but I do.
I so desperately want to be forgiven that I feel like it made me loose focus on what is important.
1 John 1:9 is one of those important things.
It was one of the first verses I memorized (besides the cliche' John 3:16) and has been a verse that I have always clung to in times of feeling...well...unforgivable or unworthy.
It says:
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and will cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
This one little verse can impart so much hope to someone who feels incredibly hopeless. To someone who feels unworthy. To me.
Because we all mess up.
We all sin.
You just have to go up one verse (1 John 1:8) to see that! 1 John 1:9 clearly tells us, me included,
that God IS Faithful.
God WILL forgive us.
It doesn't say "You are only forgiven if all long as you didn't lie"
or
" to be forgiven you have to have read the entire Bible, memorized 153 verses, and recite them in song form while doing a one handed handstand in a kiddie pool filled with baby oil."
He simply wants us to ask and trust Him to do the rest; because it says so clearly that He WILL cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness.
He WILL forgive us!
He WILL even forgive
...me.
So again, back to my question, shouldn't God forgiving me be enough?
My answer is Yes...and no.
Yes, it is enough, eternally and realistically internally as well.
But what about all of these friends that I have lost?
What about family that is mad at me?
Shouldn't I want their forgiveness, too?
And what if they don't give it?
What I have come to realize is that once I stop caring what others think, and start thinking about what my Heavenly Father thinks, everything will work out. We are promised in Paul's letter to the Romans that "all things God works for the good of those who love Him." All I can do is ask them to forgive me and pursue a life honoring to God. The rest is between them and God.
Sometimes that is easier said than done, though.
All I can do is rely and trust what is true, and love God and love others...
That is what the Bible tells me.
I have learned many things from this experience.
Some good.
Some great.
Some not-so-good.
Some no-so-great.
I have learned that the truth really will set you free, even if it hurts you and the people you love and care about.
I have learned that even though God is enough for me, that doesn't mean that it is only about me and Him...I have to love and honor His people, too.
I have learned that God can turn terrible mistakes into beautiful miracles, and I can't wait to see how he is going to use even this.
I have learned that even the nightwatchman in charge of watching for icebergs deserves forgiveness.
I have learned that a white crayon can have a purpose.
And that chocolate teapots...well they still aren't the best idea, but I am sure God could still use them if He wanted, too.
And God can still use me, He is not finished with me yet.
